It Gets Better

So, up until recently, I would say I have lived in the "I've had it up to here with..." world regarding the following items:
Laundry
Therapy
Errands
Taxes
Bathrooms (the cleaning of, not the use of)
Poop
Screeching
Fighting
Yelling
Throwing
Hitting
Kicking
Licking
Spitting
and my kids....

For real, I had hit capacity and then some... But some recent events (which I can't go into detail about- so just sit over there and get all mad at me for bringing it up why don't you) have made me realize that IT does get better.

What is IT? Everything. Every. single. thing. that drives you crazy right now. The mail running at 11 instead of 3- sucks when you need to get bills in the mail, but- it does get better. Only getting a 1/2 a load of laundry done per day- means your clothes could become zombiefied from the grossness they have been growing in, but it does get better. All those things I listed up there- they are still around- but taking a deep breath and reminding myself that EVERYTHING is a phase and one day the yelling will be more than just noise and the spitting will be purposeful and the poop will go in a toilet and the kids will be old enough to handle cleaning products responsibly and the taxes will get simpler (Fair Tax? Anyone?) and the laundry will get easier (little things are so hard to fold) and the errands will get fewer and the therapies- well they'll be there but we'll figure out a routine that works, and in general- things will change and though it may not be the change I hope for, I know it will be an improvement. So, YAY! Things get better- this is your friendly reminder. In the words of someone I love, but who really doesn't get my life "you never saw a grown up who wasn't potty trained- he'll get there." Yeah, for me this is a pretty real possibility, but for most people, it makes sense. Don't sweat it, things come at the right time, etc. etc. etc. Love you all!

-LL

Quiet Time? Yes, Please!!!

Yesterday, after driving around all morning signing my 3 year old up for fall Pre-K, I pulled into the driveway and glanced in the rearview mirror at 3 of my 4 children (I didn't forget one somewhere- L is in the Special Needs Pre-K class) and they were all ASLEEP! What? How could they? Falling asleep! In the car! Is soooooo cruel! I can't move them inside because they will wake up. I can't leave them in the car because eventually someone will wake up and who knows what they will get up to... (Plus, it's a BIG NO NO- but never mind that) So, what did I do? I quietly opened up the van door and closed it gently, then ran inside and up the stairs to my room- I grabbed the down comforter and a book out of my room and ran back downstairs and grabbed a Dr. Pepper and dragged a camping chair out of the garage.

This was going to be GLORIOUS! They'd be asleep- in the car- and I'd be set up in my chair, enjoying my Dr. Pepper, reading a nice book and snuggled under the comforter. Okay, yes, I was in my driveway, but quiet time only comes but once in a blue moon and I could not turn it down. And so, all set up, and ready for my quiet time to begin, I opened my Dr. Pepper and my book and leaned back into my chair.
A sigh of contentment escaped my lips and I knew this was going to be wonderful.

But, then, my ears perked up at the sound of a whimper. I held my breath and hoped it was just the wind, but there it was again. A whimper. I looked up at the car and I can see C waving her hands- This was the moment a few drips of snow fall, just before the crushing avalanche. C threw her head back and let out a wail that rivals most police sirens, waking up J and M and thereby, ending the piece of quiet I had managed to make the best of in my driveway.

Yep, it was over. Sigh.

You see, this is how I look at the upside of everything. That was a moment when I could have given in and gotten down about how unfair it was that on the one day my kids actually napped at the same time they did it in the car- but it didn't even cross my mind to mope- it just meant I had to change my picture of IDEAL and move on. It's a metaphor for what our family life has been like since we had kids and things started to unravel. We hoped our quiet time would be snuggled in a bed with a good book and the heater running, but, instead, it's us sitting in the driveway balancing precariously on a camping chair with a hole in it, ignoring the wind and threatening rain, to just carve out a second of quiet. The chaos of that quiet time is so much like the chaos of my life. And yet, it counts as a moment. I'll take the joy of a few fleeting moments and live a lifetime off of it because I can work with anything and I will make the best of it.

That is life with 4 kids. That is life with an autism diagnosis. That is life with an asperger's, ADHD and ODD diagnosis. That is life.

Make the best of what you got! You only get it once!

-LL

Things I Do That I Probably Shouldn't

Okay- Happy New Year! Now, did you make a resolution? Are you going to a be a better person in 2012? Are you going to make your life AMAZING this year? Yes! You are! Good for you!

I made a resolution, too. It's for my husband. I am embarking on a journey for him to be wonderfully, amazingly happy in 2012. Because, we had enough of enormously, exhaustively frustrated in 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011.
It's gonna be pretty fantastic.

So, here is a list of things that I should change that I will not, because these are "lesser" goals and I don't want them to get in the way.

1. Drink 5-6 Dr. Peppers per day
I try to limit it to one or two but on a bad day I can take out a 6 pack in just a few hours.

2. Eat chips and French Onion dip for lunch (and nothing else)
Yes, I know, this is ABSOLUTELY terrible. But oh so yummy and I don't have a plate to wash when I'm done.

3. Read trashy novels instead of one of the many reference books on ADHD, Asperger's, Autism, ODD, etc. that I own.
Who can resist some Jill Mansell or Meg Cabot? Seriously, I just like to read a low thought requirement book when I'm folding clothes. I get points for multi-tasking.

4. Skip bath night and just wash the kids off with a baby wipe.
This is downright LAZY- if you are the judgy type ask yourself one question- how much fecal smearing did you deal with today? Yeah- I thought so....

5. Avoid my friends
Okay, this is unhealthy and I REALLY want to get out and be around them, BUT the only time I can is after 7 pm and that is teetering so DANGEROUSLY close to bedtime (mine) that I can just as easily dream about having a night out. Right?

6. Give in to the whining
I know! You have been reading this blog and are just amazed at my unbelievable parenting skills and then you read this! It's like finding out there is no chocolate in Oreos (there isn't- FYI). Sorry, sometimes I just want a little quiet and SOMETIMES I just want my kids to be happy. I know it's terrible to set this example, but the fight gets old and I really want to just see their smiles.

7. Give advice to parents with typical kids
I really should stop- I don't have a typical kid- what could I know? And you know what else- most of my practices for dealing with unwanted behavior come from autism books and (SHOCK) dog training practices.

8. Be sarcastic
This one is NEVER going away.
I would be a slobbery, crying mess if I couldn't be sarcastic about my situation. And I wouldn't blog either.

9. Wear my pajamas all day.
Some days I take a bath/shower and change into a fresh pair of pajamas. No sense in wasting a day at home wearing something you have to suck in to button.

10. Chew my nails.
This one might actually disappear soon as I have to keep my nails short for rock climbing (oh yeah- I can climb rocks- you prepare for the zombie apocalypse by buying zombie slayer Rugers and I'll prepare for the day my kids turn on me and need to make a quick vertical escape- they're short- up seems like the best option).

So there you have it. Some of my flaws. And, I promise 8 of them will still be here this time next year. :)


A Christmas Conversation:
Me: Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house... (etc.)
M: (about the 3rd verse in) Did you know that 5+4 is 9?
Me: Your Asperger's is showing.
M: Does that mean burgers are coming out of my butt?

Happy New Year! Be good to yourself!

-LL

The 7th Year

I cannot believe it has been that long, but this marks the 7th year of my mom's passing. I think all the time about what this means to me- as a daughter- as a wife and as a mother. Not just her death, but her life. Some days I am enraged at the way she left us. How could she? This especially hit me after I became a mother- because I could not imagine leaving my children willingly to live a different life somewhere else, and one that would be the literal death of me in the end. Some days I am sad- because she is missing this. What I have and who I have grown into- and I like to think that she would be proud of me. Some days I just don't even want to think about it because I have 4 children who need me all of the time and the struggles we face as a family are hard enough without this stuff contributing to it. Today, though- I am glad. Because the life she led, pushed me to lead a different life. Because I know she regretted ever leaving so much that she couldn't forgive herself, I know that giving up is NEVER an option. I know that my husband is the only person who can be here with me to raise me up and remind me of OUR purpose and step in to love our children when I need a break- no one can replace him or our bond.

So, this year- the 7th year- I say goodbye to putting Christmas off until the last moment- I say goodbye to boycotting Christmas music and just barely getting through the day. I say goodbye to tears in the morning and tears just before bed. I say goodbye to the dread and the anxiety that fills my heart as November rolls into December.

Thank you, Mom, for blazing the trail before me- for being the thing that pushed me in a different direction- for being the person who set a clear example that I could look to when I needed to know which way to go. Thank you for making me strong and for making me pick up and move on. I hate so much that we didn't get to spend our lives together- when you were here and after you were gone, but I know that sometimes God has to teach us lessons through hard things.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

God knows...

This isn't one of those creepy "I know what you did" notes in your mailbox (everyone gets those, right?), I promise. This is just me taking an opportunity to remind myself (and all 2 of you who read this) that God knows us. Not us, as in our family and God hang out and we know His favorite food, but rather, He knows you and me. I think, sometimes, at how impossible that sounds and how crazy I am to believe that God, who has so many BIG things to deal with, even blinks in my direction, but this weekend I saw Him blink a few times and that reminds me of every time He has looked at my family and done something unbelievable. So, God knows... He knows that we get down and that autism is a nasty unfun situation to find yourself in, He knows that having children is tough, period, but that having a few (yes, we have 2 on the spectrum now) that will likely NEVER think like you can sometimes feel like a mountain is mounted on your shoulders, He knows that there are times when we all feel like we don't have what we need to do our job, as though He's asked us to chop down a tree and handed us wet spaghetti to do it with, He knows that what He is asking of us is unfair.

And, equally important, He cares. He loves for the choices we make and despite the choices we make. He guides us when we are lost and gives us strength when we are weak. He finds the right person at the right time to lift us up, or He simply reaches down and lifts us up Himself. He always knows what we need, because he always knows our struggles.

So, while I am not so super excited to get "picked" for the job I do, I can completely acknowledge that God gives me every thing I need to complete the task, as long as I am willing to look to Him for those items. Recently, I have felt so low and completely alone and God took time out this weekend to remind me that He gave me everything I need to feel uplifted and surrounded by love. He gave me a husband and He gave me His word. I have taken these things for granted in the past, and have allowed myself forget them and abuse them, and ultimately, came very close to losing both. But God blinked in my direction and set afire and new determination to love the gifts He gives me and to recognize them as the gifts they are.

God knows... He knows what we need, all the time... And sometimes, we need something big and scary to shake us up, as much as we would love to stay bundled in our secure little worlds. I just can't figure out if I am especially stubborn, so he feels like He needs to shake me up more than most, or if He uses me to show others "Keep acting like this one and I'll shake you up the way I shook her..."

Either way, God has never failed me- so I'm on board for the ride, bumps in the road and all.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

Craptacular and Other Fun Words

I love the word crap. Which is interesting because I spend so much of the day dealing with crap. Either feces or otherwise. I will say "Oh, crap!" when I forget something or, "What the crap?" when I don't understand something or "Craptacular!" when I am being sarcastic about something being great. The other day, as I was helping L go to the potty, I was literally shouting "Crap!!!" and no one came to my rescue- this is a sign that I overuse this word. I was being literal and they thought I was being figurative. Suck (another awesome word). So, L was standing there, peeing in the toilet, and suddenly he wasn't just peeing anymore. And like a dummy, I tried to catch it! Are you grossed out? I am. Anyway, I thought it a cruel joke that, because of his delays, potty training has been such a task for L because, it is only fair that when a kid can produce adult size crap they should be able to deal with it in an adult way. But then, I wasn't being very adult about it either.

I tell you this because it will give you some real insight into how much crap is too much crap for one person to handle. L is 5 now. C is 1 so I have her crap as well. J is 3 and her crap, for the most part, is handled (even if she does have to name it and talk to it) but sometimes there is crap to deal with. M is 6- so check that one off the list!

Anyway, so enough about actual crap. Here is some figurative crap. Tomorrow, I go in to see the psychologist about M. Not fun. I had a panic attack when this day happened last month and God granted me a little reprieve because the doctor had to postpone. I am still not 100% that this is something I prepared to deal with, but it is the next step. The problem with this kind of crap is, once you know it, you can't "unknow" it.

The crap of it is, I am not sure what, if anything, we can do to help him, no matter what the doctor says. We try everything we can to help him navigate the world and control his impulses, what more could we do?

So, tonight, I am having a hard time sleeping because of this crap. But there is good news! Yesterday, L dealt with his crap in an adult way!!! And that, my friends, is some crap worth celebrating!!!!


Other fun words:
J- Mommy look! It's flying!!!
Me- What is?
J- Look over there!
Me- Where? I don't see it!
J- There Mom! It's a butterdragon!!!

Dad- L get out of the kitchen!
Me- L get out of the kitchen!
J- L get out of the chicken!


-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

Don't Say That...

I really have a hard time hearing "You must be a wonderful mommy for God to have picked you to have such special children" or anything that resembles this statement. It isn't because I don't want to think I might be special or because it is hard to hear that God CHOSE this situation for me (though I will admit, if that is how it all went down, I hope He'll one day tell me how He came to this decision), but because it is insulting to parents of typical kids. When I tell people about our situation (which gets more complicated daily) I don't want them to fall all over themselves to make me feel better and I CERTAINLY don't want them to do so by insulting someone else. It is so... Petty. I really hate how much of parenting is now a competition to be better and do better and have better looking, smarter, better behaved kids. What a crock. First of all, who cares. Your kids are your kids and you love them. That's enough. You teach them what you know and learn together the things you don't know and do your best. I know there are parents out there who don't but I am pretty certain it isn't because they just don't care enough. You can't meet the basic needs of someone else if your own needs are not met- it is that simple. But the vast majority of parents try and in this scenario that effort has to be enough.

Guess what else. You can't judge someone else for their decisions until you've walked down the path they've walked. I don't care how you *think* you'd respond or what you *think* you'd do- you don't know. To say "This is what I would do if I were in your shoes" is a waste of breath, because you can't know that. And what makes you think they want your advice so much anyway.

Of course, there are situations where you see someone has made a mistake and you could certainly point it out for them, but chances are, they don't need your help with that. They probably feel bad enough. Just a short while back I saw a mistake- I felt terrible for them- I worried over how to say the right thing without adding to the guilt- in the end I just said "I'll help." Duh.

Lately, I've been feverently praying that God would help me develop a tougher skin. You see, autism and asperger's are basically invisible which means, unless you are putting your kid in a t-shirt that says "I have ASD- You are just a jerk" or some other very obvious announcement, you are going to get a few comments. The last few weeks I have felt this immensely. And it seemed like this outspokenness was a virus spreading to people I didn't know as well as those I knew and trusted. I put a bit too much emphasis on how other people judge my parenting- it is one area that I have little to no self-confidence, so I have been slowly building myself back up after these hits. It is hard to do.

I think I put a lot of effort into parenting my children. I push them to give 100% even if that 100% looks like 25% to the rest of the world. I am almost militaristic when it comes to manners- 3 of my 4 kids learned "please and thank you" before they learned their own names. I really want them to be successful and courteous and I try to impress that on their little brains.

M is on the verge of being diagnosed with... something. The psychologist thinks Asperger's, others think ADHD, I think- I can't handle whatever it is because some days I feel like the last 6 years have been tougher than I ever imagined parenting could be. Asperger's/ADHD on the outside it looks like bad behavior, lack of discipline... Autism looks much the same.

So, here I sit- thinking it all through. Writing it all down so I can remember the blessings in these moments. I have seen articles about Tiger Moms and Dragon Moms and Velveteen Moms, which is better, which produces better kids, and I just think to myself- maybe it isn't what kind of mom I want to be but what kind of mom my children need me to be.

M needs me to be forgiving- he is impulsive and easily frustrated and he needs me to remember where we were 2 years ago, a year ago, 6 months ago and see the progress he's made, before we've even embarked on the journey to name the issues he faces.

L needs me to be silly- he needs to laugh and play and be little because that is who he is and who he may forever be. I can't change that, but I can embrace it.

J needs me to be cuddly- she needs to be coddled and loved no matter how tough she looks and acts. She is a spirited girl who is the first to yell "I'm okay" when she hits the ground, but sometimes a Dora band-aid really is more important than telling her to rub some dirt in it.

C needs me to be alone with her- because my aunt said it just right "She wishes she were an only child." My poor baby girl really just wants some attention just for her and rather than demanding it she is happy to wait until I have that time. I need to make sure I am making that time.

So, forgive me world, if I ignore your comments and just go about my day. Forgive me if I snap at you to mind your own business or tell you "that it's a good thing my hands are full b/c I don't have a spare one to flip you off." I really am sorry I won't live up to your standards, because up til now I thought that was something that really mattered and it is hard to let that go. I know there will be comments and looks and sighs and they will probably get under my skin like a splinter some days, but avoiding those things by not going out won't do us any good and stressing over those things only makes me grouchy to my kids. I am officially entering the phase of "I don't give a crap," so be warned and try not to cross me.

Funny for the day:

M: What day do we leave for the beach?
Me: Friday.
M: Have I ever been there?
Me: Yep, just before you turned 2.
M: Do I remember it?
Me: I don't know. If you do it probably isn't a very good memory. You knocked your front tooth out there.
M: Where did I lose my tooth?
Me: At the zoo.
M: I wonder which animal got my tooth fairy money- I bet it was a monkey and I bet he lost the money because he doesn't have any pockets. We should ask him.
Me: Um- yes.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"